An English Essay

An English essay about... English language 

Well, I think I deserve to be punched in the face..... or maybe all over my body because of the long hiatus. I'm sorry for ditching you my dearest blog. Here, several reasons to believe in. Firstly, I've been busy with law school and secondly, (this reason contributes to the neglect the most) every time I want to type out my rants, I tend to think so much about my grammar, vocab, and stuff so it demotivates me to write. One of the many things that degree uni life has taught me is to have a good fluent English is good. My English was several times pointed out for sounding too Malay-ish. I was also once or twice being shot by indirect tweets for this particular insecurity. Hence, these two semesters (first and second semester of degree life), I've been swallowing my words, hold back myself from giving opinions that I'd love to raise.  

English Nazis are truly something. And the fact that most of them come from my own.... race is so devastating. I mean, why don't you let people speak their heart out? I understand that we should not let English being wrongly preached and for that, we should encourage others to speak better in a manner that would not crush their inner drive and motivation. My humble advice to the language nazis, is to help and motivate more. Stop looking down on people with bad English because their opinions, ideas or arguments might be better than ours. Or it can be that they are in a learning process and, they will get better, probably better than us. And also, always be grateful for the good language you are granted with. There are some people in life who wish to have the good language and accent you have but again,  it's you who are blessed with it. So, be grateful and be nice to those who aren't in the same shoes. 

Good grammars and wide vocabulary are spices to beautify and give more feels to the readers. And grammar IS REALLY IMPORTANT. Grammar has too many rules! It's the law of the English language that you have to follow when you write or speak. The basic one (am, is, are, was, were, singular with s or without, plural with s or without, they they're their and etcs SORRY I AM NOT A TESL STUDENT BUT AM TRYING) must be learned and conquered. Yes, it is understandable that not everyone masters it but always, always and always try to learn. I took time until form 3 to get my basic grammar right. And now, I'm still working on it as well as trying to expand my vocabulary. As I said, I'm nowhere near good. I used to live in frustration for not able to speak a good language, been living timidly gulping my stands and thoughts, questions that I'd like to ask in class but I held back, scared of being judged, cried in silence asking why I am me, why I am not her or him...  I lost my confidence in law school for countless times... just because of the way I speak. I used to live in regrets, so IF YOU FEEL DOWN AND DEMOTIVATED, I AM TELLING YOU TO NOT GIVE UP. JUST SPEAK. because most of them are using this rule:

The haters will continue hating, your envy friends will continue envy (real friends don't), the judgemental will continue judging. I choose not to waste time while they continue to let me sip the negativity they served. This time, I have had enough living for who I'm not. I honestly have no idea why this time I was swayed with those says. I'm just glad that I'm over it. 

Also, I am eternally thankful for a number of supportive friends I have. They lift me up, help me to gain my self-confidence and always remind me that I'm beyond myself that I portrayed in my mind. There are several of my batch mates (who actually speak far better than me) complimented my English. I swear I scolded them 'cause I took that as a sarcasm/insult (I'm so sensitive when it comes to this matter sigh) And I remember that once during my first semester, there was this one lawyer who stopped by our law library, had a short conversation with me. While we were conversing, out of nowhere, he said that I have a good English :( I want to cry :( Am I dreaming :( And coming from a big person, I was so excited sharing this happiness with this one friend of mine (who I used to spend my days with)  but she turned me down, so too bad,  the excitement did not last long. 

In case you're wondering why this whole English thingy WAS something big to me, I don't really have an answer to this as I also don't know why. Last time during MRSM time, I really don't have any problem to present myself in front of hundreds of crowd. I guess the fear started during foundation where my mistakes were pointed out in front of the rest of my classmates when I said 'rape' as 'rap' and 'shooted' for 'shot'. And the fear bloomed extravagantly during my first year of degree life. Perhaps it was because I was in the process of adapting so I became very fragile and sensitive to everything and everyone around me. Hmm that must be it.

Very very very glad that I can finally cut off this insecurity. The fact that next semester, I'll be taking mooting as a subject and now I'm done with feeling not confident and all, I'm so relieved and thankful. 

Alhamdulillah. Oh Allah, thank you for the strength You grant me with.